


Smaug On the Run

by BrightStarling



Series: The Tale of Two Canines [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: But can be read alone, Fluff, Multi, Um you may want to read the Tale of Two Canines to understand this better, a one-shot for Smaug the iguana!, iguana!Smaug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:12:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4673075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrightStarling/pseuds/BrightStarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bard had a not-so-happy encounter with a runaway iguana.<br/>Gandalf talked him into keeping it for the time being.</p><p>Even though he was knocked unconscious during their first encounter, Bard agreed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smaug On the Run

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Akua](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akua/gifts).



> Ok, just to be clear, I blame th is on Akua and her amazing idea of Smaug as an iguana. Then she said something about a standalone for Smaug.
> 
> Then this happened.
> 
> Honestly I don't know what I am writing. But enjoy anyway:-)

    "What--" Bard stumbled down the stairs before he could finish his exclamation. There were tiny claws on him, tiny but adamant and one even moved past clothed skin and scraped against the man's collarbone. He let out an undignified yelp before his head hit the handrail hard and everything went black.

   

    x----x

 

    Bard woke up lying flat on his stomach with an ice pack on the back of his head. The man shifted experimentally then eventually sat up straight after he made sure that nothing was broken. His head was still throbbing and the ice pack was rather uncomfortable with water wetting his hair, but at least he did not suffer from a concussion. An old man in gray was sitting leisurely by him an iguana in hand, prodding it in interest as the tiny reptile hissed in defense. The old man chuckled at the iguana's disgruntled look before letting it be.

    "Mr. Grayhame...?"

    "Ah, Mister Bowman, finally awake. I hope you don't mind me sharing some time with your little friend here,"The old man, or his new neighbor, smiled at him warmly. Bard shook his head automatically before realizing that something's wrong.

     "The iguana is not mine,"he told the old man.

     "Is that so?"Mr. Grayhem squinted slightly,"he was clutching on your shirt when I found you unconscious on the staircase, I'm afraid. Wouldn't leave your side. A sweet little thing, I'd say."

     The iguana hissed loudly at Mr. Greyhame's choice of words.

     "And rather intelligent,"the old man added, if not just to appease the iguana. Amazingly it worked like magic and the reptilian thing was puffing with pride in Mr.Greyhame's knobbly fingers.

    Bard opened his mouth to say something before closing it and opening it again, then finally stopped his meaningless action when no word would come out and all he accomplished was to make himself look like a fish.

    "This thing can understand _human speech_?"he questioned in disbelief.

    Mr.Greyhame's eyes just _twinkled_.

 

    x----x

 

    Bard was not sure what exactly happened, especially when he walked back into his new place with an iguana sitting firmly on his shoulder. Somehow he had ended up agreeing to help take care of the reptile before Mr. Greyhame could find its owner. Come to think of it, it was actually this little devious thing which had ambushed him and sent him tumbling down the stairs. There really isn't a reason for him to take care of the iguana in the first place. Plus, he didn't even know _how_ to look after an iguana. All that cryptic old man had told him was that it's a he and is called Smaug(which was quite obvious--anyone can see the tiny metal plate on its chest). Not being really helpful.

    He sighed in resignation and reached his shoulder to coax Smaug down. It scuttled into his palms, scaly skin a new sensation against the man's hand. Not knowing where exactly to place the iguana, Bard left it on the tea table where a bowl of grapes rested. The iguana hissed at the purple things before his curiosity took the better of him. He inched toward the bowl when he thought Bard wasn't looking, which made the man laugh despite that there was currently a lump the size of a grape on the back of the man's head.

    Smaug tossed him a venomous look then determinedly buried himself under the tiny mountain of grapes. Bard laughed some more.

 

    They got along surprisingly well. Smaug preferred to stay perched on Bard's shoulder when he wasn't roaming around doing what iguanas do(which Bard, admittedly, had absolutely no idea). The man had gotten used to the presence of the cold-blooded thing and its ever-present hissing. In fact, Bard could proudly say that he had discovered the difference between Smaug's hisses. For example, the ones when met with the unhappier circumstances, such as when Bard had to remove him by force from the remote, are shorter than the hisses the iguana produces when pleased. Smaug spends half of his time looking like he was contemplating mass murder and the other half planning on setting the world on fire. But that's just fine with Bard. After all, he was the one receiving tiny claws on his nightshirt snuggling under the cover for warmth. And Alfrid that ass had not showed up at his door again ever since Smaug left him a very nasty-looking bitemark as souvenir. In all, Bard was quite content having his reptilian companion around.

    But it's not always rainbows and butterflies. Living with an iguana way too intelligent for its own good is, perhaps, prone to having arguments and misunderstandings. For example, the situation between them two right now.

    There was a cockroach at the foot of his bed, dead. Bard suddenly felt so much more than awake after he only narrowly missed stepping on the dead insect. He glared at Smaug, who was comfortably curled up in its tank. He had thought that they have reached an agreement that the iguana is free to hunt for insects and other little critters, but that he should not leave leftovers around. Seeing a half-eaten giant spider in the kitchen is a horrifying enough experience and he really did not need an upset stomach so early in the morning. He glared at the iguana again, but Smaug just gave him a smug look before climbing up to his shoulder.

   

    What really made Bard snap was, however, another incident which occurred in a nice Sunday afternoon. After a week of cleaning up dead things from his bedpost, the man had thought himself immune to the iguana's mischief. Yet the circumstances had proven him wrong.

    A butterfly had ventured inside his apartment through the open window, and Bard smiled as it rested peacefully on the rim on the bowl of fruit he had left on the table. He would have to get the butterfly outside eventually, but a little time spent indoors wouldn't hurt, right?

    Then somebody was banging on the door. The man frowned at the noise before standing up to answer. He did not know any other residents in the building other than Mr. Greyhame. And creepy though that old man is, he surely has much better manners than this. So who can it be?

    He only caught the sight of a dog's rear dashing down the hallway and a young man wearing fingerless gloves racing after,"Bilbo slow down! Thorin is not going anywhere!"No

    What--?

    Then the young man tripped, right in front of his door. Bard grabbed his wrist just in time before the person could hit the floor face-down. The young man looked embarrassed as he scrambled up,"Er, thank you, Mister...?"

    "Bard. Just Bard is fine."

    "Your name is also Bard?"the young man said in surprise, then suddenly looked even more embarrassed,"No, sorry, I mean, it's just that my brother-in-law also has a dog named Bard..."

    Then they both heard the opening of the elevator door and suddenly the young man was at his feet once again. "Bilbo wait don't get inside!"he cried out before running behind.

    Um. Oh well.

    Such an interesting neighbor, Bard decided in the end, to avoid the using of some other more extreme words. He shrugged and returned back to his apartment, only to find the butterfly gone. Perhaps it had figured its way out.

    But _no_.

    "Smaug!! You can't just..."the man gestured wildly in frustration as he found the latest addition to the iguana's collection by his bed. For God's sake it's a _butterfly_! You can't just--argh. Smaug looked up at him with his head tilted, neatly dropping its prey along the line of other dead insects.

    "No more hunting for you, mister,"Bard told the iguana sternly as he cleaned everything up with some old newspaper and a plastic bag. He dumped it straight into the bin before the iguana's eyes before stomping out to close the window in case anything accidentally got inside and meet an unfortunate end.

 

    x----x

 

    He did not see Smaug again that day.

    The cabbage prepared for the iguana was left untouched.

 

    x----x

 

    "Hmm,"Mr. Greyhame put down his pipe, seemingly deep in thought after Bard had told him the entire story.

He sent a perfect smoke ring into the air before returning to his guest again.

    For Bard this is truly an act out of desperation, asking his neighbor for help, that is. Smaug was perhaps not the best behaved iguana but he certainly did not deserve to starve and die in some unknown corner of an apartment away from his true owner. Ok maybe it was just him thinking too much. Missing a few meals couldn't be that bad, could it?

    "Do you know,"the old man started, those grey eyes full of thought as he spoke,"that cats have a tendency to leave their owner gifts? Roaches and mice and such. Gifts that would be considered pleasant amount cats, of course."

   

    x----x

 

    Damn. So while he thought that Smaug was up to no good the iguana was actually showering him with _gifts_.

 He knew that Smaug favors bugs above vegetables, and surely it takes some effort to catch them? So why drop them by his slippers instead of eating them?

    Because they are gifts and Smaug is perhaps the sort of iguana that would not present anything less than perfect. So the ones by his bed are always whole instead of bits and pieces. The iguana probably even took pride in the butterfly since it is not usual for him to take down something that can _fly_.

    And he had thrown it away right in front of Smaug's face.

    Now he felt like a total jerk. Even worse than the time when he got fired by the Laketown Company. At least then he had been able to give his boss "a piece of his mind" through the company's broadcast system. Now he felt like hitting his head on the wall, but then that wouldn't do him much good, since what he was about to do certainly required some wit.

 

    He would have to win the iguana's love back.

 

    x----x

 

    Bard was unsure when he carefully placed the fruit loops outside of Smaug's tank. So that crazy old man had suggested that he _think_ like an iguana. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He actually considered, you know, a moth or something. But the idea of that was just a bit too unsettling for the man. So fruit loops it is. That night he went to bed with the iguana tank empty, again.

   

 

    Day 1

    Five of them were gone. Bard counted the fruit loops in amazement. He still hadn't seen Smaug yet but the man suddenly felt much more confident, and hopeful. He left more fruit loops before the tank that day, feeling significantly less worried then the day before.

 

    Day 2

    All gone. The man grinned at the empty spot where the fruit loops were placed. He thought he caught a glimpse of red in the pile of fresh laundry but the man wasn't certain. He made sure that once again there were plenty of fruit loops by the iguana's tank. Mr. Greyhame commented on his good mood but Bard just grinned more.

 

    Day 3

    There was a single fruit loop sitting at the foot of his bed.

\--oh.

 

He picked it up to examine it carefully, then turned his head to find a reddish iguana watching him intently on his bedside table. The man gulped.  He prayed sincerely that his floor wasn't _too_ dirty before gingerly putting the fruit loop into his mouth.

    Those reptilian eyes were still watching him.

    "I'm sorry,"he told Smaug. Because other than that he really did not know what to say.

    The iguana squinted. Then suddenly there was an extra weight on Bard's shoulder, tiny claws clinging on to his oversized t-shirt. He stroked the scaly skin experimentally and was the iguana gave him a lazy hiss.

    "You don't have to give me gifts, you know. If you like fruit loops then I can do the gift-giving, how does that sound to you?"

    Another lazy hiss came from his shoulder again. Bard took that as an agreement. Then he smiled.

 

    x----x

 

    "Good morning, Melkor, as early as usual,"

    Melkor nodded brightly at the owner of the pet shop before continue cleaning a bird cage,"Good morning, Mr. Radagast."

    "Ah, and where is the little guy? l thought you two are inseparable--"

    Melkor froze at that, and finally, turned stiffly to realize that the spot on his shoulder which was usually occupied by a reddish iguana was empty.

   

     "SMAUG WHERE ARE YOU!!"

   

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are welcomed. Please tell me what you think?
> 
> ......And can anyone recommend me their favorite Thilbo fics?


End file.
